pain

so im lying in bed now in a lot of paine. i just restraped my leg in the hope that a tigher bandage would stop the cast sliding around too much and there for stabilize my breaks, it still fucken hurts. im sure its not meant to hurt this much. it has been getting worse since i got back from hospital. either im getting to used to the pain killers, or its infected. hopefully not the latter. im going to give them a call on monday and see if i can get in any earlier than thurs. im running out of good pain killers.

here we go

so i have created this to see if i can cut thru all the shit that is clouding my life and head and find out what its like to be free and think and act normally insted of been a reactor.
im laid up for 6 weeks with a badly broken leg, and figure its a good a time as any to get my head sorted. the hard part is getting into my brain and stripping away all the issues and things that have made me like this over the years.

the best thing is i dont feel like drinking wich has been a huge part of my life since i was 16. and i have been a a heavy drinker and drug user for the last 10 years, i have used it as a social tool. i ahvnt really been comfortable around people unless i was using something. and when im not im working or am at home hating my self. and over the last year the 2 have startd to cross over to much, all the lines were becoming blurred.

so i can either sit around for 6 weeks and fall into a deep deoression or i can try and figure out me and and come out of this on top and in controll.

all thie things that make me happy i dont really do any more, but, even when i was doing those things i wasnt really happy. i have a deep seeded unhappy ness, and what is it? i dont know. ive had fleeting glipmses of happyness it usually lasts a couple of days, and then its over?